Stand in line, two rows up each side. Wait your turn, he alternates between the ques. When you’re at the front, step up, hands cupped. Wait for him to hand you your bread, eat it, bow, giving the cross. Bottom, top, left right. Father, son, holy spirit. Turn away to your side of the pews, drink wine if you want, don’t if you don’t. Back to your seat, wait for the prayer.

I haven’t gone to church in two years, yet I can still recite the communion. Drilled into my head from the 14 years of church every week. Catholic practice, we have communion every week.

I gave up religion a long time ago, but this is what bugs me.

God is still there, hanging over me. I can’t shake the feeling, I can’t convince myself that, given all sense and proof against his existence. All the fitting comparisons comedians have made and the most intelligent people on Earth have stated. I still can’t unbrainwash myself.

I want to give up God, but no. I don’t have a choice, God exists to me, and I hope for heaven. It’s there, and I’m struggling to find a way to convince myself that death is just darkness.